RAP CELEBS spotted in tha wyld!

Aussie hip hopper TRILL was seen at a popular beach, he kept swimming out to the buoys and messing around with them. This activity has prompted the coastguard to nickname him 'The buoy fiddler'. Apparently the young man cannot keep his hands off the buoys. Gulls remain unaffected by his nefarious activities.

I saw the famous rapman MEMPHIS BLEEK in the flesh. He was quite friendly, approaching and eating pellets out of my hand. He even let me pat him on the head and run my fingers through his hair before he suddenly tried to bite my hand off!

Rap spinner DJ REFLUX was spotted at a local club. He kept stealing records from the DJ's crate while they weren't looking and cutting the corners off the record sleeves. He appears to be storing these in a modified stamp album.

Popular rap know-it-all BLUEBIRD (from those forums) was seen swimming around in the Tasman Sea. Apparently he was on a flight to New Zealand when he suddenly stood up and said "I can't take it anymore, I'm in an aeroplane over the sea? This is too mainstream for me!" then somehow managed to open the emergency exit and jump out, creating a torrent of explosive decompression that claimed my Palm Pilot. I hope he had a parachute and a pretty good life raft in his carry on luggage!



Young man of the streets PEZ is one of the most attractive men in the rap scene. He invited me into his home for an exclusive look at his opulent crib.

PEZ met me at Circular Quay where we took a luxury yaucht to his waterfront crib. I was surprised when we sailed into a cave and were greeted by a fly bitch in an orange shirt.

PEZ's crib is a giant underground cavern! As he lead me deeper into the complex I started to notice shelves upon shelves of food. I asked if he was preparing for the apocalypse or some disaster, he explained that some of the food was here when he moved in (PEZ bought the cavern from a crew of pirates in 2008) and that was what started his obsession with eating expired foodstuffs! As he told me this he started eating a discoloured Mars bar "1991, good vintage".

I looked more closely at the shelves and it was true, here was a pack of Mentos 15 years over its best before date, a carton of milk 'use by Jan 16 2011'.

PEZ says that certain foods can miraculously change once they pass their use-by date, like Jesus emerging from the cave after being crucified or a caterpillar becoming a magnificent butterfly. "Only suckers buy sour cream," he explained "I just buy some regular cream and wait a few weeks". Other foods simply taste better once they have matured. PEZ says chocolate never goes bad, it turns white and is apparently delicious. One of his favourite snacks is mouldy bread toasted and served with Vegemite from the 1960s.

PEZ tells me that collecting expired food is half the fun, "Bins out the back of restaurants and supermarkets can be a goldmine for the expired food eater. You never know what you will find. I don't know why everyone eats brand new food when there is so much great old food out there waiting to be consumed!"

The health issues are not a major concern for the boy rapper, "I got sick a few times and my doctor told me to stop eating expired food. But doctors and scientists dont know everything".

Shit was so cash

PEZ's one piece of advice for aspiring rap singers: "Eat as much expired food as you can, the older the better!"


Take U 2 Da Movies: '1911' starring Jackie Chan

In this new regular feature I will post updates from the world of cinema.

It was a shock to all of us when drunken tai-chi master Jackie Chan passed away in March this year. Now the world is soon to witness his first posthumous work, a historical drama called 1911.

The film tells the story of a time travelling Abraham Lincoln (played by Chan) who has to summon the seven crystal ducks to save the Cloud World with the help of his sidekick Mikey Twohands (Rami Malek). Since Jackie Chan was killed during filming, he was inserted into later scenes as an electronic computer robot, like Jack Deebs in Cool World.

Chan's estate was not happy with the final result and filed an injunction, attempting to ban the film from release. Luckily director Uwe Boll doesn't give a fuck, he intends to let everyone see his masterpiece.

The response from early screenings of the film has been mixed, with many critics pointing out that Segways didn't exist in early 20th century China and they would be an impractical way of transporting an entire army to the Cloud World due to the fact that they can't fly.

However most moviegoers were thrilled to see their hero return one last time, giving a rousing cheer as Chan's character entered the stage. If 1911 does well at the box office you can expect to see much more of Jackie Chan as he rides a wave of death onto the beach of success, ala Biggie and Tupac. His corpse has already had several offers including a Broadway musical based on Chan's life.