11.11.11

Tila Tequila Strangled by Komodo Dragons

Myspace hottie Miss Tila Tequila (30) was found dead last night in her Los Angeles townhouse. Her naked body was surrounded by 12 fully grown komodo dragons which apparently strangled her while she slept. The alarm was raised by a neighbour who heard Miss Tequila's death scream at approximately 3 a.m. By the time an ambulance arrived the lizards had already begun to feed, ripping strips of flesh from Tequila's breasts and thighs. Once her perfect skin and toned muscles were penetrated her organs were easy pickings for the giant lizards, who tore open her ribcage and feasted with reckless abandon. Witnesses report her body being a bloody mess, with guts strewn over the floorboards like so many Persian rugs and blood dripping ominously down the stairs from her bedroom on the upper floor.

Paramedics had to call an animal control company to gain access to the room, as the lizards were hissing loudly and some people on the scene believed they were able to breathe fire also. A police spokesperson said that the dragons had to be killed, to prevent a full scale rampage. According to pop sensation Elton John the dragons lived their lives like candles in the wind; never knowing who to strangle when hunger set in.

1981-2011, never forget


Tequila was looking after the lizards for her friend Ashton Kutcher while he was away filming new episodes of Two and a Half Men. He tried to warn her that the lizards are dangerous, and continued to send her messages on twitter about how to properly care for the rare creatures and feed them on time to prevent strangulation. The komodo dragon, also known as the komodo monitor, can grow up to 3 metres in length.

Tila Tequila was known for being "the baddest bitch on the block", a talented rapper and model who was adored by billions of fans worldwide. She was the most popular whore on Myspace for several years. She won a number of awards, including Bravo's "A-List Drama Queen", "Entertainer of the Year" and an Academy Award for her (uncredited) role in the movie Titanic as 'Floating Debris #6'.

News of Tila Tequila's death received a mixed response online, with many loyal Tilaholics expressing their grief and heartfelt sadness through Facebook status and Youtube comments. However her detractors were also out in full force with one particularly unhinged man tweeting "those lizards accomplished in 1 night what i tried to do my whole life!!!". Some conspiracy theorists have even floated the idea that Kutcher wanted to bump off his rival Tila Tequila once and for all. Kutcher's lizard training skills are no secret; we all know he learned how to make komodo dragons strangle people on the set of the new Gary Busey biopic. At the time of writing he has denied to comment on the allegations.

MTV will be showing a special tribute to the brave komodo dragons on Sunday followed by Tequila's funeral, a pay-per-view event featuring performances by her lifelong friend Justin Bieber and The Black Eyed Peas.

3 comments:

  1. No not tequilla! LOL LOL LOL! I love your account of this happening! and that darned Ashton ! How dare he entrust her with such dangerous animals! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lol. As if anything would EVER eat Tila Tequila. Vultures would turn up their beaks at it.

    ReplyDelete

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