21.3.12

WHAT IF HIP HOP DIED IN 1988?

Torcha's dad said hip hop was gonna die in 1988. What if he was right???

SkipHopZ presents...
HIP HOP TIMELINES: AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE


1988
KRS One champions the cause of long dead industrialist Jordan L. Mott from the South Bronx who invented a type of coal-fired cast-iron stove, he continues to loudly remind everyone that he was not from Queensbridge

1989
"Nobody beats The Biz!" is the slogan of Biz Markie's short-lived used car dealership

1990
Lemonade sales reach an all-time low, millions unemployed as factories close and the economy collapses in the 'Great Fizzy Yellow Depression'

1991
People suspect those House of Pain guys might be Irish but there is no way of telling for sure

1992
MC Hammer is constantly complaining about how people keep touching him

1993
Ice Cube receives a speeding ticket and later says to himself "Police can be quite annoying sometimes"

1996
Critics attack Will Smith for his performance in Independence Day, asking "Cant this guy do ANYTHING else apart from act?"

1998
DMX is pretty much just a normal guy. Ruff Ryding means something totally different.

1999
A young Marshall Mathers creates a minor controversy by doing his job at a local lumber mill with the mannerisms of a black person, several white kids start copying him

2000
Nelly finishes his degree and moves to the country, becomes a grammar teacher 

2001
Bad Boy is not for life

2002
A mime named Kanye West almost dies in a car accident, doctors amputate the lower half of his face

2003
Born with no usable talents 50 Cent dies trying to get rich.

2004
Jay-Z mysteriously becomes CEO of Microsoft for some reason. Hires Rhianna to be lead programmer on Windows Vista, puts Memphis Bleek in charge of marketing and gets Benie Siegel for security. He will be fired 2 years later.

2005 
Madlib gets high and composes the weirdest opera ever

2008
Nas quits his job at an accounting firm because his boss kept asking him to reproduce those amazing spreadsheets he made in 1994

2011
Biggie Smalls buys Tupac an ipad for his birthday. Now he can watch Game of Thrones on the go

1 comment:

  1. hahaha, this is great. Well written

    ReplyDelete

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