Reuters- Barbados
6:12 AM
(this story is still developing)


Police reports from the Principality of Barbados have confirmed what we all feared the most; pop princess Rihanna has been captured by the infamous Somali Pirates.

Rumors of the harrowing adventure began to surface last week when a series of cryptic tweets from Rihanna showed that something was amiss. She was sailing down the Ivory Coast to visit relatives when her three mast flagship was allegedly boarded by men wearing towels around their heads and packing uzis. When the captain's throat was slit the remaining crew members gave themselves up and threw themselves upon the mercy of the Somalian sea-dogs, offering to join their cause, but they were thrown overboard. Two smaller vessels carrying Rihanna's extended entourage were also commandeered. A statement on the Somali Pirates Facebook page reports that cargo carried by the fleet was also seized, including several casks of spices and chests brimming with Spanish pieces of eight. An offer of ransom has been made but Interscope Records are refusing to pay the $5 million.

Tweets by Rihanna indicate that she was chained to a lockbox in the captain's cabin as the ship sailed North with the trade winds, eventually making anchor at the notorious pirate den: Port Royal, Jamacia. There the Somali Pirates offloaded most of their cargo at the favourable local exchange rate and used their gold to restock their supplies, including a large amount of ammunition. They also purchased several new ships of the line. Rihanna told fans via Twitter that she was not allowed to leave the ship and had no change of clothes. This was the last confirmed Tweet by Rihanna herself before the Somali Pirates either hacked her Twitter account or confiscated her phone.

Later that night the Pirates returned under the cover of darkness and burned the Port Royal market district to the ground, recovering most of their spent gold and pillaging goods from several waterfront warehouses before stealing one of Richard Branson's finest yachts and sailing away. Cannons fired from the seawall fort were unable to prevent their escape, a fleet of privateers (legal pirates) was soon sent in pursuit.

A spokesperson for the Jamaican Naval Defence Force has confirmed that a police vessel cornered the pirates in a secluded cove on the morning of May 7th. A negotiator was unable to communicate with the pirates as they apparently don't know how to operate their radio. Rihanna's captors responded with cursing and small arms fire but the bullets did not have enough range to penetrate the armoured hull. The police boat opened fire with a 60mm anti-tank rifle. Out-gunned  the pirates turned sail and attempted to flee, but not before Branson's prized yacht was punctured and began to sink. As the pirates rounded the cove they spotted the privateer fleet on the horizon; the trap was sprung.

Rihanna watched from the porthole of her cabin as the enemies of piracy closed in, freedom at last! But her elation was short lived, as one of the stronger, fatter pirates barged into the captain's cabin and knifed the captain in the guts. A mutiny was afoot! The new captain explained the situation to the other vessels via walkie-talkie and each boat sailed away in a different direction: port, starboard etc.

After sailing for 2 days the pirate captain admitted to Rihanna that they were lost at sea, with no land in sight. The other boats were out of walkie-talkie range, their crews most likely captured by police and hanged in Port Royal. Unfortunately all the stocks of rum and food were on the other boats, Rihanna and the skeleton crew were forced to survive by smearing raw spices on hand grenades and licking them. Rihanna waited until her captors were distracted by a passing dolphin/mermaid and began to chew through her restraints with razor sharp fangs.

As the captain was sick in his bed with cinnamon poisoning Rihanna made her move. Tearing the chains away from her naked body, she grabbed a matchlock pistol and ran abovedecks where she loudly explained that another mutiny was afoot. Her barbados accent was easy for the pirates to understand and they threw themselves at her feet, hailing her as queen of the pirates. Rihanna then explained that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, and they could use this little-known fact to plot a course for home.

As their ragged ship sailed into the Gulf of Mexico, Rihanna had a change of heart as she stood on the deck wearing her pirate rags and admiring the blood-red sunset over the country of her birth. The crispy sea air and smell of vomit and semen was intoxicating. Of course it was tempting to return to her abusive boyfriend and record deal with the label that didn't care to pay her ransom, but what if she was to become queen of the pirates for real? She had nothing to lose. Just then a police boat hailed them on the radio, they were required to identify themselves...


Rihanna's Pirate Facts:
"if u are trapped with somali pirates just remember these simple facts"
  • They have an extreme disregard for authority
  • Pirates rarely/never wash hands
  • Can't operate a simple radio
  • Have a lot of different guns but don't know which kind of bullets go with each, often end up jamming their weapons and throwing them overboard

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