14.9.13

Rap News Roundup - September 2013

Disgraced diva Rihanna was looking no worse for wear following her kidnapping at the hands of Somali Pirates. She was seen at the beach hollering something about a tsunami warning system, whatever that means. I think she was looking for a marine biologist but nobody could understand her accent. The water at this beach has receded really far!

Rap superstar Eminem walked into the Detroit DMV and announced he would pay for everyone's motor vehicle insurance. He was in a great mood until I began to pester him with questions. Pestered him for a good 5 minutes before his handlers escorted me away. Still no word on Detox, btw.

Reports indicate that vegan rapper Phatchance was seen at a local park surrounded by kittens. He had a variety of nuts and legumes roasting on the communal BBQ. He asked if I wanted a 'steak' as I slowly backed away and broke into a mad dash.

I spotted Ludacris at my 5-year-old cousin's birthday party on the weekend. Luda was folding party balloons into obscene shapes and waving them around. Nobody invited him but he was definitely the life of the party!

Your Boy Bangs has allegedly locked himself in a sporting goods store and is staging mock battles from WW2 using cricket equipment. Perhaps filming a viral video for his new mixtape?


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